get in the spirit with a ringer!

Halloween is fun. I'm not dressing up because I'm not going to any parties and I don't have kids to dress up with (yea, I'm gonna be that mom, look out) but I still like Halloween. I prefer to go with a strictly autumnal theme for seasonal home decor, but that's more because I like to decorate in 2 month spans. Anyway, Halloween. There are 2 key elements that go into being prepared for Halloween if you are a non-costuming adult. Candy and a Jack-o-lantern. We got super cool candy to hand out, which was the easy part.













The jack-o-lantern part is a bit more difficult for me. It's been 12 years since my traumatic carving accident, but I know that I will die without ever carving another pumpkin. Mom and I were going to just put a candle in one of those plastic pumpkin buckets. We didn't see any at the store today, so we changed the plan. I was just going to paint a face on a pumpkin. So we picked out a nice big one and brought it home. Here comes the part about the ringer. My brother called and said he and Natalie were getting ready to carve theirs. I asked if he wanted to do ours, too. He knows about my fears and totally agrees with my decision to never carve a pumpkin again, so he gladly agreed. Natalie and I designed the face together. I think he's pretty awesome...




My adorable face design assistant:














My adorable distraction from the actual carving:

what? still sick?

I know, I'm shocked, too. I've been fever-less for almost 24 hours, and that right there is probably the biggest blessing. I discovered last night that I can lay on my back again. That's been a pretty nasty issue since I got home. When I would lay on my back, my chest would get tight like my lungs were collapsing and my throat would feel like it was closing. In addition to being REALLY uncomfortable, that's kind of terrifying. I have some awesome headaches (which are obviously not from being dehydrated since I drink 2-3 liters of water with electrolytes daily) and have picked up a fierce honking cough. The antibiotics (1500mg of amoxicillin daily) are pretty rough on my tummy so I will be pretty happy when I finish the 10 day run and my stomach can heal. I made the grave error of going to the grocery store with my mom today (hey, it's her birthday) and ended up ridiculously exhausted. On top of that, for no apparent reason, my entire body is swollen. I went to put on the jeans I wore to church yesterday and they were uncomfortable because they put so much pressure on my pelvis. They weren't snug yesterday. I don't think I just gained 15 or so pounds over night, either. My face is puffy, too.

Eryn has ordered me back to bed, so that's where I'm heading. I'll probably take a pill to settle my stomach on the way.

Thank you so much for all your prayers, guys. I know that that's playing a huge role in my healing. The more I've read about sepsis, the more I know how blanketed in prayer I was all night in ICU.

about last night...

I woke up at like 6am yesterday with my throat on fire. I figured it was just super dry (which happens when I sleep on my back sometimes) so I got some cold water and curled back up in bed. My mom woke me up at 11 to see if I wanted to go run errands. I realized it was not just dry throat and declined in favor of "sleeping it off". I got up about 12:30 to make chili as I had been promising I would. I almost didn't make it because I was getting really light headed and sick to my stomach. I hurried up and then retreated back to bed, noting that I was starting to run a fever. I spent the next 3 or so hours shivering under 3 layers of blankets because I had such horrible chills. Finally at about 4:30, I wrangled the strength to grab my cell phone and call my mom (in the other room mind you) for help. We checked my temp and discovered it was 102. That's 4 degrees above normal for me. Upon standing, I went woozy, darted to the bathroom and puked for dear life. That was enough for Mom and she insisted on a trip to the ER.

I got to the ER, still shivering, and they instantly labeled me as urgent given my temperature. When they discovered my pulse was racing at 160, they didn't waste time. I had an EKG, a CT scan of my head, and chest x-rays, in addition to several bags of IV fluids, blood cultures, and a throat culture. I no longer felt silly for going to the ER. My mom left me around that point because she said she wasn't feeling good. My nurse came in and told me that my strep culture had come back positive. That sucks, but at least it's not pneumonia, right? Well, then like 20 minutes later she comes back in and asks if the doctor has been in because I'm being admitted. Not why or anything, just that I'm being admitted. Well crap. So I call my mom, who has decided she needs to camp out in the bathroom because her entire digestive system was revolting. She ended up sending my awesome brother up with my things, which I totally appreciated. My nurse comes back in and tells me I'm going to ICU because I have sepsis. Not gonna lie, that freaked me out a bit. I got to ICU, had more holes poked in my arms, was hooked up to an IV, a heart monitor, and a blood oxygen monitor, and frequently a blood pressure cuff, so I had to get a nurse every time I have to pee (and when you're on IV fluids, trust me...) The nurses last night were telling Brother Bear and me that I would probably be in for 2 or 3 days. Yea, that's expensive when you don't have insurance. I'm glad I was there, though, because my heart started racing in the middle of the night when my fever spiked to just over 103. My nurse woke me up around 5 (for the umpteenth time) and told me that my mom called and she's now in room 515. Seriously? Good lord. I'd been on hardcore IV antibiotics all night to get the infection under control, which worked because my temp was holding steady at around 99 and my heart rate was back down under 100. I was bracing myself for nasty hospital lunch when my nurse came in and told me I was being discharged! So I'm at home with antibiotics and lots of rest. Either I'm really lucky I went in early or they sent me home because I don't have insurance. Probably both with a bit more of the second one. That sucks, but I'm pretty sure I'm stable. And my brother's optomism on that was, "If you relapse, you'll never have to work again because you'll own that hospital!"

is that stalking?

I have my list of blogs on my page, obviously. I know all of those people. But there are some other blogs that I read of people who I just kinda know in real life, but because I read their blogs, I feel like I really know. Does anyone else do that? And does that make me creepy?

lalalalalala tonight!

Last night I had a girls' night with The Jen. Her sister Lori hooked us up with a pair of tickets to see New Kids on the Block.

We had a beer before we went to the show. We got to the Toyota Center, laughed a lot of people, then found out our tickets had been upgraded. Instead of crappy nosebleed seats (section 400!!) we got moved down to section 120, row 13. Pictures available on myspace and facebook. The show was everything I could've dreamed of. We laughed so hard when we weren't dorkily singing along. There's a time in the show where Jon gets a camera and Danny encourages the crowd to dance while Jon films. Guess who made it up on the big screens during that segment? Yup! Jen did the robot and everything. We're so cool.

After the show, we met up with her sister and her friends for a few beers.

I got home at 4 this morning. Totally worth it.

Cuz you gotta be hanging tough.

devotional snippet

So, I'm not going to talk about Sunday other than to thank everyone for their love and support. I am truly blessed. I'm glad I'm in Dallas at April and Dave's and not in Katy, though, because its kept me from sinking into a pity party funk.

On Monday, I got my Christianity.com devotional in my inbox. Ever since the moment I read it, I have felt better. I don't feel burdened or wounded. God is good. Here's the best parts.



"Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." Luke 18:1 (NIV)

(she told a story about her son playing football)
The parallel to our prayer lives is astounding. Too often, I have given up praying about a concern, believing the play to be over. Perhaps I think God answered "no" when I don't see an answer in my timeline. Sometimes I see things with human eyes, and give up too soon. I wonder how many times we've stopped praying just shy of experiencing healing, freedom from addiction, or the salvation of someone we love. I'm thankful my family and I never stopped praying about my dad's salvation. He came to Christ two weeks before he died.

Just as my son learned to block until the whistle blows, may we be encouraged to pray until the trumpet blows, revealing that Jesus has returned to earth. In other words -- never give up!


Heavenly Father, I praise You for Your power and majesty. There is nothing in the universe that is too big for You to handle. Help me to remember that You want to hear my prayers, and You delight in answering them when it brings glory to Your name. In Jesus' Name, Amen.



See? God is good.

good sermon

I went to church this morning with April and David. The sermon was from the book of Philippians, aka the book of JOY. Afterward, April looks at me and goes, "Dude, that sermon was so for you." The pastor was talking about how Christians aren't stupid. We aren't hiding our heads in the sand and pretending nothing bad is going on around us. Instead we're just placing our hopes and faith in something bigger than this world and this life.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:1-9

Its so simple and yet its amazingly hard to do. We're in the world but not of it, or at least we try to be. Life is absolutely not what we want it to be. That's because we don't have that kind of wisdom. God does. And His timing is perfect. He orchestrates it all. It does not matter how many tears I cry, how many times I beg and plead. God will not move one second faster to spare me the pain. Not because He doesn't love me or because He enjoys my pain or something. But instead because He loves me SO MUCH. He's shaping and molding me. Life isn't about what I want or what will make me happy. It is about the pure joy that comes from my relationship with Him. It is the peace that fills me when I whisper His name.

When I feel abandoned and rejected and broken, He won't necessarily end it. Its lessons I need. I have done and will continue to do everything that I can to be a Godly wife. I love my husband. I believe in my vows. My pastor a few weeks ago said that a popular misconception of marriage is that its a 50/50 thing. It's not. Its a 100/? thing. You have to give 100% on the condition that the other person may give you nothing. Its not give to get. Its give to give. That's EXACTLY what I'm doing. I am still his, 100% and he is mine about .00000000000000001% But that's just how it is. Maybe God has plans to make it better and different. Maybe He doesn't. In the meantime, I have to start every day with the intention of living faithfully to the man I committed myself to, loving and praying for him, regardless of the choices he's making. I didn't get married to make myself happy. And I don't want to stay married to be happy. Yes, he makes me happy (obviously not all the time...). Yes I love being around him and the man he's been and can be. Fortunately, God has blessed me with a heart that is capable of unconditional love. It doesn't matter what he does. I cannot love him less. I have tried. I have begged God to make me love him less. And instead I love him more. I love the creases of his eyes. I love the freckle on his lip. I love the lint in his belly button. I love the pain in his heart. I love the confusion in his head. I'm not looking for perfect. There is nothing he had or can do that is unforgivable to me. Its just a matter of getting to the point where forgiveness is warranted.

I'm going to rejoice in the Lord. I'm going to do what is right and pure - I'm going to love my husband and honor my vows expecting nothing in return. I'm going to fill my heart with thanksgiving - that God blessed me with a man to love so much. I'm going to pray without ceasing - for God's will and for the patience to live in His timing. I have learned to have faith, to trust in God, and to be patient. I'm putting it into practice as best as I can, and so the peace of God is in me.

progress!

First of all, I got over my scared thing, and my feelings that I shouldn't try to get a real job because I'm scared of feeling rejected and all that. I started applying for real jobs. That's right. Jobs that don't involve an apron or a plastic nametag. Jobs that I've actually got the resume to back up. We'll see how that goes.

Secondly, I am sooooooooooooo looking forward to the next few days in Dallas. I'm looking forward to being with the people who love me the most, and that I have the most fun with. Well, and Denver. Parties this weekend, wedding stuff with Bunny, and then trivia on Tuesday with Liz!! It's gonna be a much needed boost in my life.

Onward and upward! Is that the saying?

I've come to realize...

... that sometimes I'm waiting on the Lord out of fear instead of faith. I'm scared to move forward! I'm so terrified of going back to the person that I've been that I don't want to make any decisions and so I wait for God to shove me - and shove me hard at that.

I also realized that I don't fully rest in God's peace and presence. I'm tired. Here's the metaphor that God gave me last night about it: I'm tired because I'm basically treading water. Yes, God is taking care of me in that there are no sea creatures trying to eat me and the water stays pretty calm. But what I really want is to get on a raft and just bask in the Son (get it? Sun/Son. I love homophones!!) and blindly go where God sends me.

Maybe someday... maybe someday.

makeover complete!

The ladies at the salon were way super excited when we announced we were chopping our hair for Locks of Love. The lady that did my mom was like peeing her pants she was so excited.

I can't post the before picture because the lady who took it unfortunately saved it as a movie on my camera. Until I learn how to undo that, you'll just have to believe me that we had waist length hair. But now...



Seriously, my hair hasn't been this short since I was in elementary school! It was shoulder length in 8th grade (that was 8th grade, right Vicki?) I was thinking to myself the other night watching Letterman that Anne Hathaway's hair is super cute... and now I kinda have it!

And Mom's is AWESOME!



Manis and pedis afterward sealed the deal. It was a good day. A good day indeed!

mini makeover!

Tomorrow is going to be a super awesome girl's day with my mom. She's in a funk. I'm in a funk. Perfect timing. We're getting mani/pedi's and then chopping our hair for Locks for Love. I'm getting about a foot cut (which will still leave me with hair past my shoulders) and she's getting over 18" hacked (which will give her a cute granny bob!). After all that, we're going to dye Mom's hair because it's salt and pepper and frizzy and not matching her face. She's almost 57, but her face doesn't look that old. She's gonna be a hip granny!! I'll totally post pics tomorrow night.

Also, I have a date with Denver next week.

tunnel vision?

I am horribly and miserably lonely. If you spend much time with me lately, it's pretty obvious. This is the first time in my life when I haven't had at least a handful of friends around me to spend time with at any time. In Katy, I officially have 2, and I haven't seen either of them in over a month. As much as I enjoy snuggling with Lucie as I fall asleep every night, I hate sleeping alone. 3 years of sleeping next to him will do that, I suppose.

I've been talking to him a lot more lately. Not about us or about the future or anything, but conversations not unlike the ones I have with any of you. We talk about tv shows we've watched, we talk about sports, we talk about the cats, etc. Nothing serious, but still pretty filling conversations. Its details about who we are, and that makes the conversations worthwhile.

This Sunday, the sermon was about improving romance and sex in marriage. This was probably the most painful sermon of the series for me. It would've sucked in an of itself, but the day before, I had a good cry about how ridiculously romantic Denver can be, and the things he's done for the pleasure of my smile. Jen Jen was talking about how she went to see Rent and I ended up down memory lane remembering the amazing "just because I love you" date D took me on the first year we were in Dallas. He told me to get dressed up, took me to dinner, then took me on the train for a surprise. He had secretly bought tickets for us to see Rent together. He'd never seen it but I had and had gone on about how awesome it was. Seriously one of the best nights ever. The guy is good, what can I say? Well, hearing a sermon on romance the next day is pretty tough, especially when you're exhausted and your 5 year olds were horrible that morning. I had to shut down just to get through.

Here's the tunnel vision part.

The only people he's hanging out with (and living with) are other HOB people. He's out and about several nights a week, with HOB people. And then tonight on facebook I saw that he's organizing a charity golf event for an HOB coworker with breast cancer. If I worked at HOB, would he put an ounce of effort into me, too? Is that really the only thing wrong with me? Cuz wow, its starting to look like it on this end. And that feels kind of terrible.